


Jam light

by Turtle_in_a_sewing_basket



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: I try to be funny, M/M, crack fick, jampire, lots of jam, vampire but with jam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-09
Updated: 2014-04-09
Packaged: 2018-01-18 18:32:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1438399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turtle_in_a_sewing_basket/pseuds/Turtle_in_a_sewing_basket
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John is secretly a Jampire and Sherlock finds out.....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jam light

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story on Ao3 but i have an account on FF.net under the same pen name  
> Also I’m on a Sherlock kick right now , although I hope to get around to my other fandoms that I have stories for, but for now it’s Sherlock.  
> Also ,my knowledge of vampires is limited to half a Wikipedia article and two twilight moves my sister made me watch, but seeing how this is a parody I don’t think it matters.  
> Enjoy

After only a few weeks of living together, Sherlock began noticing very peculiar things about his flat mate John. Not a love of jumpers and fondness of hedge hogs kind of peculiar , it was a much stranger peculiar. Some nights Sherlock would notice dark stains on John’s clothing , John of course would claim to have no knowledge of how his jumpers got to that state , but Sherlock knew better. Other things John did such as covering himself in thick layers of clothing and keeping his head down when it was sunny also began to spark Sherlock’s interest.  
Sherlock knew he had no right to call john out on these things ( pot calling the kettle black scenario) but lately the detective began putting two and two together , which brought him to a startling realization. It was one stormy afternoon that Sherlock’s suspicions had been confirmed. The horrible weather had prevented John from making his usual grocery run and he was beginning to act very queer.  
John was pacing the living room grumbling to himself about something. He would fidget and seemed anxious . Sherlock knew all too well what caused this sort of odd behavior. Withdrawal. Sherlock had been watching John for the past half hour ,as if he could feel Sherlock’s gaze John turned to him with a scowl.  
“And what exactly are you looking at?!” the doctor yelled as he marched himself over to his friend, Sherlock remained stoic. “ Oh let me guess, you’re in your bloody mind palace!!! To good to mingle with us commoners !!” John went on a rant but Sherlock tuned him out easily.  
It wasn’t until the sound of shattering glass did Sherlock tuned back in. he looked over to the yellow happy face on their wall , tea was streaming down it and there were shards of a broken tea cup in betted in the wall. Sherlock gave John a ‘ what the hell bro’ look o which john replied with it “ I didn’t like the way it was looking at me.” Now Sherlock was very concerned , he could deal with the fighting and mumbling but he would not stand for such aggression against tea. Sherlock turned around to see john staring out the window , it wasn’t until Sherlock spoke did john acknowledge him.  
“John we need to talk.” Sherlock said in a soothing voice.” Your behavior , it’s obvious to me what’s going on…….. John I know what you are.”  
John tensed up , he stalked over to Sherlock with anger and disbelief on his face. “ So the great sociopath knows what I am?” Sherlock remained seated as john came up from behind him. John bent over so that his lips were right next to Sherlock’s ear. “Then say it….I want to hear you say it.”  
“John you’re a…” Sherlock breath caught in his throught as he felt john get even closer.  
“Say it.” He commanded.  
“…Jampier.” A loud roll of thunder filled the room and Sherlock could almost feel john smirk.  
“You’re right my dear Shirley…and I’m Hungry.”  
“John as soon as the rain clears up we can go get you some more-“  
“I NEED SOME NOW!!”  
“Well did you think to go ask Mrs.Hudson for some.?” Sherlock asked trying to calm his friend down. John had not thought of that.  
“Of course I’ve thought of that!!But…um…I’ll just go dobbed check.” With that john ran down the stairs two at a time. Sherlock let go of a breath he didn’t know he had been holding . he should have been terrified , but at that moment all he could register in his mind was ‘ He is hot dam sexy when mad’ and ‘ John smells like strawberries.’  
John returned moments later with an open jar in one hand and used the other hand to bring the red substance to his lips. Now that he didn’t have to hide it from Sherlock John settled in to his chair across from the detective. Johns eyes closed in bliss and let out very erotic moans as the substance slipped down his through. Sherlock was entranced by this display , but when john noticed Sherlock staring , he growled passively of his beloved jam and turned around in his chair until he was sure Sherlock could not see him. John finished quickly and dropped the empty jar on the end table. “ Oh lord that was amazing.” Sherlock never cared much for jam but when he saw a small bit of jam still hung on John’s lips , he had to fight the urge to jump up and ravish John’s lips.  
Outside the weather began to clear up, the clouds faded and slowly the sun began to peak out.  
“You can go to the store now John.” Sherlock said off handedly .  
“No , it’s to sunny , why don’t you go?”  
“No , we talked about this I don’t do ‘shopping’ , you’re the domestic in this partnership.”  
“Sherlock….please I can’t go out while it’s so bright.” John was partially begging to Sherlock , he knew there could be only one explication .  
“John, do you sparkle?” Sherlock asked. John’s head snapped up “Don’t be absurd!!” He yelled  
John stood from his chair and walk towards the window, he took of his outer jumper , under jumper and began unbuttoning his shirt. “ You want to see the real me?” Sherlock stood in front of john in anticipation enjoying the sight of john taking his top off. Once it was off and john was only in his trousers and socks John reached for the curtains and flung them open. He let the sun bathe his pale chest slow Sherlock could see thin long vines that seemed to come out of nowhere wrap around Johns body. As the vines began to grow little flowers appeared and those flowers turned in to strawberries right before Sherlock’s eyes. With a sudden boldness Sherlock reached out to pluck a strawberry off of John , he brought up to his lips and bit in to the succulent fruit.  
“John…your delouses….and ever so beautiful.”  
“Beautiful?!” John snapped he closed the curtains and the vines vanished causing strawberries to fall to the floor. John Leapt into a chair to grab Sherlock by the shoulders . “I’m a MONSTER Sherlock!!”  
John dramatically flung himself on to the couch , still in all his pale chested ,jumperless glory. “Please Shirley just go get me some jam….”  
Sherlock wasn’t used to some one else being the drama queen , but yielded to Johns request. So Sherlock aggressively grabbed his coat and went jam shopping.  
When Sherlock returned with the jam john was back in his restless state and all but tackled Sherlock to the ground. John wasted no time in making a plate of jam sandwiches ( although he had eaten nearly two jars before he even got the bread out. )  
Now that Sherlock knew John’s secret , the jampier was much more obvious about his jam consumption. He would no longer hid in his room eating jars out of a mini fridge , instead he would sit in the living room with a jar in one hand and a spoon in the other. Sherlock began to referred to this behavior as John “Jamming –out “. Other than john’s ne found openness , not much had changed. John had a separate account just for his jam so it didn’t affect their finances , however the increasingly frequent trips to Tesco began to raise suspicion among the cashiers. Their constant glares and whispers finally drove Sherlock to speak up.  
“Oh I know what you’re thinking ,” Sherlock yelled load enough for all the cashiers and employs to hear one day as he and john were paying “ YES we are a couple, and SO WHAT if we prefer to use jam in our privet time ?! Now that , THAT’S out of the way you can stop staring at us constantly and get back to your pathetic lives.” Dramatically Sherlock through his arm around john and marched out of the store with the stunned Jampire in tow. Luckily it was cloudy and john could be outside without his strawberries showing.  
“The HELL Sherlock!?” was all john could get out in his rage.  
“I was only trying to help. You should be thanking me.” John pinched the bridged of his nose.Only Sherlock could make a situation better by making it worse.  
“THANK YOU!?”  
“You’re welcome.”  
“ Thank you for what?! Making all of Tesco thank I’m GAY?”  
“Oh please John , you don’t need me for ‘all of Tesco ‘ to think you’re gay.”  
“…..Sadly , you have a point. But Jam for lube Sherlock? Do you even know what it’s like to have jam in that area?”  
“Do you ?”  
“…..”  
“…..”  
“Shut up and hail a cab.”  
Almost as soon as they were back at 221b John had to leave for work. He stuffed a few jars of jam in his jacket and quickly left. This made for a very , VERY board Sherlock , which is never a good thing. He decided to mess around with some of the jam john hadn’t eaten yet. Contrary to popular belief , Sherlock is a pretty amazing cook. He simply prefers john’s cooking to his own ,( to the point of purposely starting a few small but contained kitchen.) Sherlock eventually ended up with four trays of jam muffins , with nothing better to do , he ate all of them but he did leave one for John.  
Just one.  
Sherlock was sprawled out on the floor taking a nap when john finally returned home. Sherlock was woken by the sound of his friend , however the detective pretended to be asleep to avoid the inevitable. The first thing he did was complain about the mess in the kitchen, he yelled at Sherlock to clean it up but Sherlock ignored him. Then John saw it. The last jam muffin sitting on a plate in the middle of the kitchen table. With much excitement John ate the savory treat , and began looking for more , on to find two empty muffin trays in the sink.  
Enraged John stormed into the living room to his flat mate , he knelt down on the floor and grabbed Sherlock by his locks and yanked his head up.  
“Did. You.Eat.All.The.Jam muffins?” he hissed out. Sherlock , who was slightly turned on by the situation, simply nodded yes.  
“You’re goanna pay for that.” Said john , he saw a small crumb on Sherlock’s supple lips and quickly went after it with his own. Sherlock was taken aback by this but it was nice and soon he leaned into the kiss. The jampier savored the taste of jam and Sherlock and when pulled away they were both breathless. “ Get in the kitchen and make me some more muffins or I will strangle you with your own scarf.”  
“That actually sounds kind of hot…”  
“Shut up and make me muffins , you hot ball of raw sexiness.”  
Obeying his Jampier , Sherlock left the living room to make the muffins. The sun streamed in threw the windows and landed on john . He sighed in the comfortable warmness as the vines began to form across his body and strawberries ripened before his eyes.


End file.
